Why the kitchen staff loves Ronon Dex
by babsji
Summary: why the kitchen staff loves ronon dex and despises most of the rest of the atlantean crew.
1. Chapter 1

**Why the Kitchen Staff loves Ronon Dex**

Disclaimers: I own nothing in the Stargate Atlantis Universe. Sigh. I think the Sci-Fi channel does.

Ratings: good question. Just to be on the safe side I'm going to say PG-13/T

Feedback: with appropriate groveling, pretty please with sugar on the top.

Summary: Just why does the kitchen staff love the Ronon and despise most of the rest of Atlantis?

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Two of the kitchen staff wandered out into the halls of Atlantis in search of the new guy. One had a pot and utensils in his hand, and the other had an electronic pad for note taking. "So where do you think he's at Jesse?"

"At this time of day, he's probably calling himself 'training' the men." Jesse replied wryly.

"S-o-o, first stop training rooms?" Flip continued.

"Of course." Jesse said as she marched down the hallway.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Standing just inside the room, they watched Ronon Dex, the newest specialist to the Atlantean City, quickly disarm one of the soldiers, stab him in several places, and toss him across the room before calling out "Next." Well, since he was only 'teaching', it was more of several really strong jabs…That didn't break the skin of course.

"Ouch." Flip said in sympathy.

"See, if you weren't a part of the kitchen staff, you'd have to be doing that." Jesse said teasingly. Stepping further into the room, she called out, "Mr. Dex sir, we've brought you something to try."

Colonel Sheppard looked at them, and said astounded, "Ronan, you've been here how many weeks, and you've managed to get the kitchen staff to deliver your lunch? I don't even get that kind of treatment."

"He's our Mikey sir, and we'd like him to try this new recipe we have." Jesse answered quite seriously. "Dr.Beckett has assured us that all the ingredients are safe for human consumption."

"I don't know who this ' Mikey' is, but my name is Ronon Dex." Looking at the concotion, he sniffeed the air. "Well, it doesn't smell vile, so I'll be happy to taste your food."

"Of course Mr.Dex, my mistake. We just thought that you might try this …Beef Stroganoff for us. At least we think it's a beef type product." Jesse said soothingly.

Colonel Sheppard was trying to hide his snickering by coughing.

Ronon reached for a spoon as he said, "Okay, but my name is still Ronon Dex, not this mister name."

"Mister is just a polite civilian title to differentiate between male and female." Raising her pen in preparation to take notes, Jesse continued, "We just want you to tell us your impressions of the taste, texture, consistency and anything else you'd care to mention."

Colonel Sheppard asked amazed, "You're really using him as your guinea pig?"

"Well, he will eat anything sir. We might as well as put it to good use."

Colonel Sheppard looked at Ronon Dex in fascination and in an aside to the note taker. "S-o-o, how goes it?"

Jesse looked at him with smiling eyes before turning back to Ronon. "Our difficulty is coming up with a conversion table for what he describes. Edible means add lots of ketchup and call it meatloaf. Interesting means feed it to Dr.Mckay and tell him that Teyla's people will be upset if he doesn't eat it. We do that on occasion when he really annoys us…Which is a lot of the time. If he grimaces and says Wraith food, we feed it to Dr. Kavanaugh and hope he dies of food poisoning…Unfortunately, he never does."

Colonel Sheppard grinned at that, "We can only hope."

"We're also trying to feed him Earth food so he'll have something to compare with. But there's not a lot left to feed him though, and I refuse to give up my last stores of chocolate, strawberries and peanut butter to a man who will literally put anything in his mouth."

"…You have chocolate left?"

"Not a chance, even if you are a Colonel now. You don't want to know what I can find to feed you sir. And don't even try and use puppy dog eyes on me. I'm immune."

"She also has caramel that she won't share." Flip added his disgruntled 2 cents.

"Did you miss all the Barney episodes about sharing is caring?"

"My T.V. was programmed to block subliminal messages…But if you see that stupid purple dino thing, shoot it. I'm sure that it'll make great B.B.Q."

Ronon broke in, and asked, "What is this 'chocolate' that everyone hoards?"

Jesse looked up at him, trying to think of something to say, when Colonel Sheppard jumped in and said, "Ronon's not going to try anything else until you break out the chocolate. And how are you hiding strawberries?"

"Do you want to be our new taste test subject Colonel Sheppard? And there is a small hydroponics room I found. …At least I think it's a hydroponics room. That's what I've been using it for."

"Hydroponics huh? Have you told Rodney or Dr.Weir about it yet? And since I'm a Colonel and outrank you, I can order you to be the taste-tester instead."

"Be very very careful sir. I am in control of what goes on your and everyone else's plate's sir."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No of course not. I am merely giving you information, so that you can make an informed decision."

"…Sounded like a threat to me."

Ronon looked back and forth between the two of them before asking, "So what is this 'peanut butter' I heard you talk about?"

Jesse contemplated him for a moment, before asking, "Would you like to try a chocolate chip and peanut butter sandwich?"

"Okay."

"Chocolate chips? You have chocolate chips? Can you make me some chocolate chip cookies?" Colonel Sheppard's mouth was already watering in anticipation as he followed the trio into the hallway on their way towards the kitchen.

In the hallway, a passing Dr.Mckay's ears perked up, "Did I hear someone say chocolate chip cookies?"(Amazing how he could be deaf to all that he didn't want to hear, and yet hear the slightest whisper about food.)

"The cook is going to make Ronon a chocolate chip and peanut butter sandwich, and then chocolate chip cookies for me."

An expression of distaste chased itself over Dr.McKay's face as he said, "Why is she wasting perfectly good chocolate chips on him? And why wasn't I aware of peanut butter in the city?"

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please R & R and let me know if the taste tests should continue.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks so much for the reviews and encouragement. I just hope that this lives up to the first's standards.

**The taste tests continue with chocolate in the mix.**

"So, what do you like better, the chocolate or the peanut butter?" Jesse asked him seriously. "Enquiring minds want to know."

"One has to be better than the other?"

"No, but most people have a preference." Rodney said without looking up from his laptop where he and John were playing a game.

"This 'peanut butter' has an interesting texture. It this what you call 'sticky'?" Ronon asked over Colonel Sheppard's snicker.

Jesse threw him an irritated look as she said to Ronon, "I would have said ooey-gooey yummy myself, but hey, everyone is different."

"Ooeygooeyyummi is a word?"

"Yup, and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is also one. ..Bet you can't say that five times fast." Jesse continued with a straight face.

"Supercalimarioceanus?.. You're making that up."

"No I'm not. It's even in a song."

"Prove it. Sing it for me." Ronon said before taking another bite.

"Uh, no."

Rodney snorted and said snidely, "Why don't you teach him dirty limericks while you're at it?"

"Because it wouldn't be as funny as teaching Teyla dirty limericks. And if you take that tone of voice with me again, you're going to be eating that 'interesting' Athosian fish dish for the rest of your Atlantean stay."

That brought Dr. McKay's head up as he indignantly asked, "What! Why does John get preferential treatment and I don't even get any respect?"

"He outranks me, and you don't." Jesse said bluntly.

Rodney's mouth snapped shut, and he started huffing.

"I wouldn't piss her off Rodney." Colonel Sheppard warned.

Swallowing the last of his sandwich, Ronon continued, "Why won't you sing for me?"

"Yeah why not?" Rodney asked just to be infantile.

"First, it is considered cruel and unusual punishment to torture people with my singing voice…"

"As if her talking voice is any better." Rodney muttered to John.

"…And second, I don't remember any of the words besides supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"Fine, I will believe you till proven different." Ronon grunted. "Can I have another chocolate chip and peanut butter sandwich? It's edible."

Jesse hung her head and sighed as Colonel Sheppard and Flip began to laugh. Looking up at them, she said, "I told ya'll the conversion table is a work in progress." Turning to Ronon, she said with as much dignity as she could muster, "And you can't have another chocolate chip sandwich because the Colonel made me use the rest of the chocolate chips in his cookies."

"Chocolate cookies are good?" Ronon asked, still not understanding the avarice that chocolate roused in his new comrades.

"Yep, but only with ice cold milk…Or ice cold chocolate milk. Neither of which we have. All we have is soy milk, and powdered milk." She waited to see if anyone had heard her statement. When no one responded, she continued, "Would you like a peanut butter and pineapple sandwich instead?"

"Is it as good as chocolate chip and peanut butter?"

"Better, but you have to use pineapple rings instead of pineapple chunks because the chunks just fall off. And you have to put peanut butter on both pieces of bread or the pineapple juice will make the bread soggy."

"Peanut butter and pineapple is the best?"

"No, peanut butter and banana is the best, but we don't have any bananas here in Atlantis." Rummaging around for the can opener, she continued, "I also have creamy peanut butter if you want to try that instead of crunchy. I only used the crunchy because I find that it contrasts better with the chocolate chips." Glancing at the time, she walked over to the oven to check on the cookies. "Colonel Sheppard, you might want to call some of your men to guard the doors."

"Why?" He looked up frowning from where he and Dr.McKay were competing on the laptop.

"Well, there isn't enough cookies for everyone in Atlantis."

Pulling out his radio, he called out in a clipped no nonsense voice, "Stackworth. Allen. Kitchen A.S.A.P." Then he added, "Bring Teyla also." Looking up at Jesse with a smile he continued in a much more cheerful voice. "Good call. Don't want to share my cookies with everyone around here."

"Yes, well, I just don't want Kavanaugh to know. I don't want him to think that he can come in here and request anything for himself, because he won't get it. … Unless it's arsenic cookies. That I can accommodate."

At that Stackworth and Allen came running in. "What is it Colonel? What's the emergency?" They asked breathless, P-90s out and ready.

"Yes John, Are there more of the spider creatures here?" Teyla's voice added to their concern.

"What! No! What makes you say that?" John asked jumping in alarm.

"You're voice sounded funny, and you didn't say what the emergency was." Sgt Stackworth said.

"Well, there is no emergency. I just wanted someone to guard the doors because the cook made me…"

"Made us!" Rodney broke in, not looking up from the laptop.

"…Fine, made us some chocolate chip cookies, and there isn't enough for everyone."

Dr. Beckett pushed open the kitchen doors with a med kit in hand, "Has the kitchen staff finally managed to poison Kavanaugh?"

Jesse gave everyone a disgruntled look, before announcing, "Damnit! My kitchen is not Grand Central Station!"

Teyla and Ronon gave her blank looks, and then gave each other a look, which said that 'these earthlings are so strange'. At least they looked at each other until Jesse opened the oven and the smell of fresh baked cookies wafted out.

Dr.Beckett sniffed the air before asking happily, "Is that chocolate cookies I smell?" and walked towards the oven as if there was nowhere else to go. Teyla and Ronon started to look slightly apprehensive, as everyone seemed to be mesmerized by the smell.

Teyla said in a whisper to Ronon, "Do you think that it is a drug similar to the Wraith enzyme?"

Ronon sniffed the air and announced, "These 'chocolate chip cookies' smell…interesting."

Jesse got an insulted look on her face as Colonel Sheppard and Flip burst out laughing again. Pointing a spatula at them she announced, "I am not going to make this for Dr.McKay again, no matter how many times Chewbacca calls it interesting. He has got to broaden his vocabulary. Especially when describing food." She waved the spatula in Ronon's face before saying, "And you! Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies are more than 'interesting'. They are one step short of Nirvana."

"Aye, what she said lad. Chocolate is manna from whatever gods you revere."

"Very politically correct of you Doc. Glad you agree with me….But you still don't get first cookie."

"Yeah, I got dibs." Colonel Sheppard announced with a sly grin.

"I'll remember that both of you, and be sure to pull out the biggest needle I can find the next time either of you visit the infirmary."

"Oh shut up. I'm going to share. Now everyone dig in before anyone else shows up." Colonel Sheppard said good humoredly. "And by the way, what is it with you and threatening everyone with large needles?"

"Finally!" Rodney said as he put the laptop away.

Everyone grabbed a few each, except for Teyla and Ronon who only took one apiece. They gingerly took small bites. Teyla's expression became both surprised and pleased at the same time, while Ronon's never changed. He did reach out and grab more cookies from the rapidly dwindling pile though.

"John, is there an emergency I need to know about? Stackworth and Allen came running by my office…" Dr.Weir's voice preceded her into the kitchen where it trailed off. "….You have chocolate chip cookies that you weren't going to share?" She asked accusingly.

Colonel Sheppard's and Dr.McKay's expressions were guilty as charged.

Dr.Beckett spoke up hastily, "I came here myself thinking that the kitchen staff had succeeded in poisoning Dr. Kavanaugh finally, and discovered that they had cookies instead."

Ronon replied with nary a guilty thought in his head, "I came because Jesse offered me something called a chocolate chip and peanut butter sandwich."

Trying to look sweet and innocent at the same time, Jesse said, "Dr. Weir, when Colonel Sheppard discovered that I was 'conserving' the chocolate chips, he ordered me to use all of them to make him some chocolate chip cookies." And with that finally word, she hung the Colonel out to dry. Along with bluntness and sarcastic, spiteful was often used to describe her.

"Traitor!" came from Colonel Sheppard.

"Really, I thought it was more like he blackmailed you with words like insubordination, treason, mutiny and the brig." Rodney said before continuing, "So what else are you 'conserving'? Enquiring minds want to know."

Jesse merely gave him a look that rivaled Ronon's for inscrutability and said, "What ever do you mean Dr. McKay? A.K.A Dr. Almost-As-Bad-As-Ronon-About-Putting-Anything-And-Everything-In-Your-Mouth. Is there something in particular that you think that I am 'conserving' from you?"

The rest of the Atlantean teams eyebrows all rose in astonishment, and Colonel Sheppard said, "Wow…I told you not to piss her off. Carson, remind me not to eat with Rodney anytime soon."

"Aye, I think I'll be dining away from him also. I hope you have a large supply of power bars Rodney." Dr. Beckett replied.

Teyla tugged on Ronon's arm, "I believe that it is time for us to go."

"Why? There are still cookies here."

"You've had enough, and I believe that we have a training session to attend."

Dr. McKay in the meantime held his hands up after grabbing a few more cookies. "You've won this round, I'm leaving now. I think I'll go by Dr. Zelenka's office and share my cookies with him, and rub Dr. Kavanaugh's face in the fact that he missed out. John, bring my laptop to my office." Rodney said backing out of the kitchen slowly. The rest of the group followed at their own pace.

Dr. Weir grabbed the last of the cookies and walked over to the refrigerator to open it. "Where is the milk?"

"There isn't any."

Elizabeth froze for a moment before asking calmly, "Why isn't there any milk?"

"Why do you think I was 'conserving' the chocolate chips? There is only soymilk and powdered milk. Proving that contrary to popular belief, there is a method to my madness."

Closing her eyes, Dr. Weir said mournfully, "Then I'll have soymilk please."

Jesse pulled a container out of the back of the refrigerator and handed it to Dr. Weir before saying, "I have some chocolate syrup that might make it better."

Dr. Weir gave her a smile and replied, "Chocolate makes everything better."

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Any and all mistakes I blame on the fact that I have no beta. And also on the fact that I shouldn't write during my lunch break. Thank so much for the kind reviews. I think the taste tests are halted for the moment. But I saw a curse jar in a bar, and thought of another idea, which I am working feverishly on. Feverish in a good way, not one where I'd have to see a doctor with needles. **shiver/shudder**


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement. Unfortunately, I really have no idea where I'm going with this. ..Well, I may have a few plot bunnies hiding, but they're leading away from the kitchen.

And chocolate, Ronon doesn't have the words to describe chocolate and peanut butter. Besides they are more like a tactile sensation than a taste. Any mistakes are my own; I find it difficult to edit myself. A question for anybody, Does anyone know the rankings for the air force and the navy? I may need a clue for a later story. There is only so much 'winging it' I can do.

I own nothing in the SGA (student government association? My god the military is devious) yadda-yadda-ya.

**Expanding Ronon's Vocabulary to Include Nuances and Etc.**

1A sharp whistle found Ronon in the hallway where he was trying to hide in. A familiar voice called out, "Hey big guy."

Ronon looked up withholding a sigh. It wasn't his fault that these Earthlings were so much shorter than Setaians. And why did the smaller ones tend to be the most vocal? It's as if they tried to make up in volume and attitude, what they lacked in size. Oh great Jesse. What did she want him to try now? Although she was one of the quieter ones, she was also one of the sneakier ones. And one could never tell which way here mood was going to turn.

"Yes?" He gave his standard monosyllabic reply.

"I'd like you to learn these new words and definitions." She answered just as economically.

"Why?"

"Because you need to expand your vocabulary. Especially when describing food. I refuse to bring Dr. McKay into the conversion table, which he has found out about somehow. He keeps asking for peanut butter now that you've labeled it interesting. If I find out who told him about it, they are s-o-o going to regret it." She looked at him suspiciously.

"My vocabulary is good for conveying what needs to be said."

"I'm sure that you beat your chest good also, but that doesn't help with finding a right balance of food tastes. Each member of the expedition needs to know when I'm pissed at them."

"What? Beat my chest good? What does that mean?"

"It wasn't a meaning, it was an implication. There are subtleties and nuances that you haven't bothered to learn yet. I suggest you find a dictionary and also start studying everyone's tone. Seeing how you have such great hearing and all."

Giving her such a Ronon look, he continued, "Fine. What was the implication?"

"You don't want to know."

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know."

"Okay, you wouldn't like it."

"Tell me anyway."

"No."

"Why? Do you think that I'll squash you like a little bug?"

"You could try, but after growing up with six older brothers, I've found that the bigger they are, the harder they fall."

"Are you saying that you can beat me?" He asked in disbelief.

"Nope, merely saying that it won't be as easy as you believe."

Inscrutable eyes met inscrutable eyes. "Compromise big guy. You learn these words and use them in descriptions, and I'll tell you what I implied."

"Done."

"Here." she said as she handed him the electronic notepad.

He handed it right back as he said, "I don't read your language."

"Then, how come you speak it?" She snapped annoyed.

"One of the mysteries of the Universe. You'll have to read them to me."

"You're memory is that good for one reading?"

"Better even than my hearing."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked suspiciously.

"You tell me first."

"I don't care that much."

"Neither do I."

"Fine." She stared at him a moment before asking, "S-o-o, still want to learn some vocabulary?"

He gave a snort before saying, "As you say, what is in it for me?" He looked at the disgusted expression she threw him, and continued, "Fine, what are your words?"

Jesse's ears started turn red and she closed her eyes. Her mouth opened a few times and closed again as she thought on something, or maybe she was counting to ten.

"I'm waiting." He said impatiently

Opening her eyes, she looked at him calmly and said, "I'll give you a few words and once you can use them in the proper context, I'll give you more."

"As I hear you say continually, whatever."

Looking at him with a small smile, she began in a sensual tone, never looking away from his eyes, "Succulent, mouthwatering, tasty, delectable, toothsome, moist, hot, scrumptious, spicy, appetizing."

Looking at her wide-eyed, Ronon involuntarily stepped back a step. "Why do I think that you're talking about something else?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. They're all words to describe food. Of course, most words can be used to describe other...things. It's all in the nuance." So saying, she turned and walked away.

"Wait, what are their meanings?"

She answered over her shoulder with a smirk on her lips that he couldn't see. "Maybe you should ask Colonel Sheppard, or perhaps Dr. McKay." She continued innocently still walking, "Be sure to use the same tone, so that they can grasp the correct nuance and therefore meaning."

"Do you try and be as puzzling as possible?"

"The Cheshire Cat is my hero."

Turning he stalked down the hall, bashing his fist into a wall in frustration. Brow furrowed, he looked for Colonel Sheppard or, much as he disliked, Dr.McKay. Fortunately, Colonel Sheppard was the first he came across. Stepping into the training room that the Colonel and Teyla were using, Ronon demanded, "Who is the Cheshire Cat?"

John looked at him and asked, "Do I even want to know?"

"Jesse."

"Ah, well that actually explains a lot."

Ronon glared and ground out, "She also said to ask you the definitions of the words she told me to learn, and then when I asked her a single question, she said the Cheshire Cat was her hero."

John and Teyla stood by each other and gave Ronon looks that questioned his sanity at that moment. "So, what are the words?" John said to break the weirdness, and then wished he hadn't.

Ronon got shifty eyed, and said grumpily, "She said I had to use the same tone, so that you would grasp the correct 'nuance'."

"O-o-k-a-y. ...So what are they?" John asked thinking privately to himself, that this aught to be good.

Ronon looked even grumpier, then closed his eyes and took a breath to clear his mind. Opening his eyes, he said, "Succulent, mouthwatering, delectable, toothsome, moist, hot, spicy, sweet, appetizing." in almost the same exact sensual tone.

John's eyes got as big as saucers and he quickly jumped behind Teyla before bursting out with laughter.

Glaring at John, Ronon said, "Arghh, the woman makes me long for the days of being hunted by the Wraith. At least then, I knew what to expect. Now she tells me that I must learn new words and listen for nuances to infer different meanings to words. Gahh! Can I shoot her?"

Holding onto Teyla as he laughed, John exclaimed, "No! No shooting allowed, no matter how annoyed she makes you. But I do find it interesting that you should bring up being hunted by the Wraith."

Teyla began to smile as she began to understand the joke.

Ronon demanded in annoyance as he saw her smile, "What! Are you in on laugh at Ronon day also?"

Teyla started to say soothingly, "No-one is laughing at you..."

John raised his hand, "I am."

Teyla gave him a quelling look as she continued, "It is simply the interaction between all males and females, no matter what the species, is ... ironic and entertaining."

Giving an uncomprehending look, Ronon turned and stomped off.

Colonel Sheppard started to walk off also, and Teyla asked in exasperation, "Where are you going now?"

Grinning at her he said, "I've gotta find Jesse. Oooh Ronon's expression and tone almost makes me want to forget about getting her back."

Teyla clicked her tongue and muttered something about testosterone and male egos as she also left the training room.

Ronon in the meanwhile had found Jesse first. She was in her 'mad scientist lab', aka, the kitchen. She was frowning back and forth between a recipe, and the 'local' ingredients she had. There was a doubtful quality in her look. Seeing him enter out of the corner of her eye, she said, "Oh good, Chewie, could you come back in a couple of hours, I might have something new for you to try." Looking up with a teasing smirk, she continued, "And by the way, did Colonel Sheppard give you the definitions you needed?"

"No! He just laughed and suggested that I get the 'proper' definitions from you. And what is it with everyone's preoccupation with my eating habits?" Ronon snapped.

"You know, that is the most I've ever heard you speak." She looked thoughtful before continuing, "Well, you shouldn't have eaten out of that unknown pot. Now, you're never going to live that down."

"Why?" He fell back on terse replies.

"Well, most of these people have never gone hungry, and have never had to search through garbage for their next meal." She answered off-handedly as she returned to frowning at the ingredients. Poking at a piece of what was hopefully fish, it moved. Startled she exclaimed, "Is this still alive?"

"Yes." He answered as he gave her a narrowed gaze before continuing, "Sounds like you have personal experience."

"First, will it die if I boil it? And there are fish here that can live out of water? And second, I don't care to discuss my past at this moment."

"First, I'm sure it will, and it's not a fish, and second, I don't either."

"Well, don't." She said going for the award for economy of words.

"Glad we agree on something."

"You should leave the sarcasm for the experts."

"As you say, I'm a quick study."

"Ah, grasshopper, you get ahead of yourself. Even though you are a big dog, that doesn't mean that you are ready to run with them."

"Now what does that mean?"

"It means what it means."

"You are very annoying!"

"I try." She said modestly.

Pointing at the meat for the night's entrée, he said, "That's a …"

Holding up her hand, she broke in, "I have my eeww face on, and don't want to know what it is. Just come back in a few hours to test it."

Stalking out of the kitchen, he called out "Perhaps."

"Don't make me hunt you down." She just had to have the last words.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimers: I own nothing in the Stargate Atlantis Universe… No wait, I own Jesse and Flip, and they like playing with the rest.. So can I own them for a little while?

Spoilers: Since Ronon is there, it has to be at least after 'runner', in Season 2.

Thanks to **Krysalys** for the starting line. It was just too perfect not to use. And also for the idea to strip Ronon and smear him with , ..hum well I was thinking of stripping him before.. uhm, what's the subject? Ronon STRIPPING! Wait what story did I miss? Thanks to **Reyclou** for the suggestion to add more descriptions to their actions. I don't think that I am quite there yet, but I am trying to work on it. Anyway, Thanks to everyone for the continued reviews. Hope this installment is just as entertaining.

**9 ½ Weeks In The Kitchen**

Ronon snorted and called arrogantly over his shoulder as he left the kitchen, " Like to see you try."

Jesse, for all her joking, gave one of her surprisingly rare laughs at that. And on that note, Flip came wondering in from the storeroom. He gave her a quizzical look, knowing exactly how rare her laugh was, and asked, "What's so funny?"

Jesse gave him a wry look, and said, "Oh just a challenge to hunt from our resident runner."

Flip rolled his eyes at that, but only said, "Well, what about the challenge of what to serve with the fish..Whoa!" He yelped as he jumped back startled. "Is the fish still alive?"

Jesse sighed and said "Ronon says that it isn't fish, and that it is still alive."

"Did he happen to say what it was?"

Jesse closed her eyes and sighed again. "Well, he started to tell me, but I told him that I had my eeww face on, and that I didn't want to hear it. .. But I did invite him back to taste test in a couple of hours."

"..And is he?"

Jesse pursed her lips before saying, "That was where the challenge to hunt came in."

Turning Flip looked at her and then reached over to thump her ear. "Does your brain and mouth operate on the same wavelength?"

Narrowing her eyes at her 2IC, Jesse reluctantly admitted, "Maybe I should've asked how and where the Athosians caught it, and also how they prepare it. There, are you happy now?"

"No, not particularly."

Their curiosity aroused, Jesse and Flip leaned over the 'fish' and poked it again. When it snapped around sluggishly to hiss at them, they jumped back quickly. "Well how the hell are we supposed to kill the thing? And why are the Athosians delivering live foodstuffs to us? Is this some sneaky attempt to kill us all I our sleep?"

Jesse gave him McKay's patented 'you're so stupid' look, which she could mimic perfectly and said dryly, "I don't think that there is a conspiracy to kill us Flip." She handed him a knife and continued, "And you're going to kill it by chopping its' head off, and gutting it."

"ME! Why me? I think we aught to draw straws on this."

"Well, since I'm in charge, and you're my 2IC, you get to do what I tell you. Now get to chopping."

Shaking the knife in her face, Flip grumbled, "One of these days Jess, one of these days."

"One of these days what?" Jesse asked impishly.

"I don't know, but one of these days, you are so going to get it."

"Well until then, I'm not going to worry." So saying, she sauntered back over to her cooking journal to flip through it. Stopping on a page, she read the ingredients and looked at the 'fish' speculatively. "How about this?" She asked coming up next to him.

Flip glanced at it, "Sautee it in garlic and white wine? Great except that we have no white wine."

"We'll use the pink stuff we fermented."

Giving her a casual look, Flip asked as he chopped the fish into little pieces looking for bones, "Didn't we hallucinate on the pink stuff?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure that extreme heat will evaporate all the hallucigens in it." She answered unconcerned. "If it turns out okay, we'll call it 'la poulet de la mer' aka chicken of the sea." She finished whimsically.

"And if it causes exploding dysentery?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment before rattling off possible names, "Kavanaugh's Kryptonite? Enema de la Kavanaugh? Kavanaugh's Revenge? Kavanaugh's Nightmare? I personally think that Enema de la Kavanugh would be the most appropriate, but a vote may be necessary. What do you think Flip?"

Flip by this time was leaning against the sink crying with laughter. Straightening he wiped tears from his eyes and tried to say in a severe voice, "You are a bad, bad person. No compassion what-so-ever. It wasn't his fault that he used a malfunctioning toilet."

"I know, I know. And I'm sure that I'm going to go to hell with the rest of my friends. It's just sooo unfortunate that it fits!" She finished chortling.

Shaking his head, Flip looked at the 'fish' he'd chopped up, "Sooo sautéed in garlic and hallucigenics. What else are we going to serve with it? Or do you think that anyone would notice if we even served anything else?"

Closing her eyes, she waved a hand at him, "Shh, give me a moment to think." The moment lasted until she cracked an eye at him, and they disolved into snickers again.

Flip held up his hands and said, "Hold it, hold it. If we name a dish after Kavanaugh, we're going to have to name dishes after the rest of Atlantis command. Do you have any idea what that would be like?"

"Well, we wouldn't have to worry about Colonel Sheppard. He's already got Sheppard's Pie. And for Dr. McKay, I see something intricate, sickening sweet and time consuming. Maybe a gateau called McKay's galaxy flambeau, which would explode over everyone once cut."

"Meanie butt."

"What? I can't cater to his already ginormous ego too much."

Flip looked thoughtful for a moment before saying. "You know, with his equally ginormous paranoid and suspicious streak, he'dout think himself, and won't know if you're insulting him or complimenting him. Just think how many sleepless nights he'll have over it."

"Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. …Have I ever told you that I like the way you think? I'll commence creating after dinner."

Flip turned the heat down in the skillet as he poured some of the pink wine in to let it cook down a bit with the garlic. "So what was the big guy doing in here? Were ya'll flirting again?"

"There's nothing going on, and no chance in hell of anything happening. I was just teasing him a little."

Flip rolled his eyes at that and said, "Puh-leaze! You want to rip his clothes off, and make like rabid weasels."

"Moi? Make like a rabid weasel? You insult me sirra!" Jesse said all wide-eyed and scandalized innocence. She put the back of one of her hands against her forehead, and placed the other delicately on her chest as she threw her head back and shook her ponytail.

"Yes, you!" Flip emphasized his point with a spatula. "Don't get all prim and missy with me! I've been on leave with you before remember. Girls Gone Wild are nothing compared to you!"

Grinning, Jesse admitted, "Okay, I will admit to a desire to strip him, tie him up, and blindfold him. All in the interests of his education." She finished puritanically.

Flip gave her a disbelieving look. "Purely in the interest of his 'naked' education, huh? How is being tied up and naked good for his education? I know learning would be the last thing on my mind in that kind of situation."

"Oh, I don't know, I think it would help emphasize his education into the culinary arts. ..Didn't you ever watch 9 ½ Weeks?" As Flip began to snicker again, Jesse continued with a lecherous look, "The thought also crossed my mind to pour honey all over him, or better yet, pour honey all over me, and have him lick it all off. He does have some wonderful tongue skills."

"And how would you know?"

Smirking, she answered, "There was no meeting of lips or tongues betwixt us. I simply challenged him to a 'tie-a knot-in-a-cherry-stem' contest. He did it quite nimbly I might add. ..Of course Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay looked horrified at that testament of hhis until then unknown skill. ..Well, at least until Teyla demanded in on the contest. I must say that Dr. Weir looked suitable impressed, and really looked like she'd like to invite him to her quarters for some after hours demonstration of tongue techniques."

"Ooh my momma would say that you got the devil in you!" Flip exclaimed as they started laughing.

Meanwhile, outside of the kitchen doors stood Dr. McKay. He had a queasily horrified look on his face. He leaned a shaky hand on the wall and muttered incoherently, "A naked tied up Ronon covered in honey. A naked tied up Ronon in the kitchen. In the kitchen where my food is. A naked tied up Ronon getting NAKED TIED UP RONON GERMS ALLOVER MY FOOD. WHY? WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME?" And with that last pitiful thought, Dr. Rodney McKay fell over heavily onto the floor with a loud thump.

Jesse and Flip looked at each other puzzled looks in the kitchen before walking to the kitchen doors to look out into the dining area. They looked at Dr. McKay lying on the floor for a moment. Then Jesse wondered out loud, "Do you think that he heard about the hallucigenic wine we're cooking with?"

TBC

I know, I really need to work on that plot thingy.


End file.
